You Know What Chaps My Ass….

…I’m about to tel you…

So, I’ve been house sitting in North Hollywood for the last week and regardless of what you may think of NoHo, I actually enjoy myself here. I’m close to my Nerd Herd, I love all the little art houses and enjoy spending my time at the federal. My favorite thing to do in the morning is get up, well, actually, no, that’s not my favorite thing to do. However, Once I’ve had my shower and have woken up from my coma, I like to explore the neighborhood I’m in. I’m an LA Native. I love taking walks through the neighborhoods and discovering little gems that you otherwise may not see while driving. I walk for about a mile everyday even though there’s an amazing gym here, I just hate being cooped up. I’d rather get my heart rate up, have the sun on my pale, Irish face, listen to my music and go on auto pilot.

And Today was a beautiful day for just that. Taking a walk, clearing my head, listening to The Beatles. I gotta say it was a good day…that was, until, an older man of Indian heritage (dot not feather), came up to me and began preaching the word of god. I’m not religious by any means, but I don’t consider myself to be an atheist either. Being an atheist is the same as being Arnie Grape, much like religion.

So, being the polite, little miss sunshine that I am, I allow him to go on and on about Jesus, God, & how in his country he’s considered a medicine man by the name of Yogi. A Medicine man, eh? Part of me wanted to ask if he was holding, but I had chocolate milk getting warm by the minute and still had a block to go before I could reach my fridge. And as you know, hustlers come in all shapes, sizes and religions, so, he was not letting me leave so easily. He claimed to be psychic and that the last year for me has been hard. Meh, OK…I’ll agree with that. “There is a sadness in your eyes.” He must have had ex-ray vision as well considering I was wearing sunglasses. Whatever. I’m open minded.

I began to give the bat signal that I was in a rush and must go, backing away slowly, making not sure to make any sudden movements and this guy, Yogi, begins to follow me. At this point, I told him that I was late for work and had no more time (or the patience) to talk about God, but was thankful for his words of wisdom and how he absolutely knew that this year was going to be better for me. And I’m all for that. Bring on the fortune and half naked chicks. But just as I was beginning to walk away, he handed me his number and said, “I spoke the word of God to you and would appreciate a donation.” Um…Exsqueeze me??? Did you just say you were a man of god? I can’t imagine Jesus walking around, healing the sick, curing the blind and feeding the starving and then boldly asking for a money donation.

First off, this is NoHo. Not Las Vegas. Mr. Yogi, the medicine man, was dressed in a hoody and Dickies. It’s not like he was on the strip in Vegas dressed as Elvis or Hollywood Blvd dressed as Marilyn Monroe. I didn’t ask to take a picture with you and I certainly didn’t ask for your bullshit speech about God and this, that and the other. I just wanted to drink my chocolate milk in piece and avoid human contact. This is not to say that I’m so coldhearted bitch who had $100 on my pocket and was just outright refusing to give him a little something. Truth is, I didn’t have money on me, but I was chapped my ass the most, was having “a man of God” asking for a donation because as he so elegantly put it, “I saved you. I saved your soul, your soul which has been damned.” Yeah, that’s great, kid and I surely appreciate it, but I’m probably going to hell and just pumping that gas. I didn’t approach you. You approached me. If money is what you need, I hear Pastors/Preachers make great money speaking the word of God, as if we all knew Jesus/God personally.

The moral of the story is, if you’re going to approach complete strangers on the streets, tell them how hard their life is and how sad they are inside and all it would take is a donation and the word from God, perhaps you should put a wee bit more effort into it and put on an Elvis costume or dress up as Charlie Chaplin. Anyway, just a thought…

Some Amber Alert’s R BOOSHIT…

*Amber Alert originated in the US in 1996 after 9yr old Amber Hagerman was abducted and murdered in Arlington, Texas…and bippity, boppity, boo…*

First off, I think it’s a swell idea that Amber Alerts are automatically received through our cell phones to warn us about a possible child abduction. Just like I find it helpful and informative that we receive “Flash Flood” warnings in certain areas. I don’t even mind the horrible alarm that sounds each time I receive these alerts. Child abductions are serious and if an abduction happens in my general area I want to know about it.

Amber Alerts have certain criteria you have to make in order for an AA to be issued. Law enforcement has to be absolutely positive an abduction has taken place, that the child is at risk of serious injury or death, & has to be 17yrs old or younger. (So, if you’re 18, you’re shit outta’ luck & you better figure out how to MacGyver your way out of that trunk). But if you take a look at the information provided with the Amber Alert, you’ll often notice that they have the make, model and license plate of the vehicle, as well as the first and last name of the suspect. Which usually means that the abductor and the abductee know each other and are more than likely related.Today’s Amber Alert is no different. The child abducted is Jayden Santiago and the suspect is Giovany SANTIAGO. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that Mr. Santiago is the child’s father.

The definition of Kidnapping in the US is defined as the unlawful and non-consensual transportation of a person and is a BIG Oopsy-No-No and can hold a sentence of up to life in prison regardless if there was murder involved or not. If you kidnap a child & ask for a ransom that alone will get you life in prison! However, I do not consider a father taking his own daughter to be kidnapping, but in this case the father is armed, dangerous and suicidal. You can tell this guy doesn’t play golf on the weekends. Ward Cleaver, he is not. His hobbies include stabbing people and making failed attempts at suicide. Potato sack races with the Brady’s is not his idea of a good time. So, by all means, issue that Amber Alert & I’ll retweet the shit out of it.

This being a special circumstance where the father is not of sound mind, it is imperative that an Alert is issued in order to get the child back. However, there are some cases that should only be considered domestic disputes and we should save the Amber Alert’s for those serious abductions that happen at playgrounds, malls or when children walk home alone from school and are kidnapped by an unknown person or persons. The Amber Alert becomes a little less important when the family is able to identify the suspect through a family portrait they just took. “Overuse of AMBER Alert’s could result in the public becoming desensitized to Alerts when they are issued.” DOY!! Issuing an Alert every time a father/mother takes his or her own child is considered OVERUSE.

The usual suspect of a “kidnapped” child is the parent, usually the father, who got into some sort of custody battle with the mother & decides, after some thinking and plenty of King Cobra, that he’s going to take the kid/kids regardless of what the consequences will be. I do agree that the authorities should be notified, but unless the father is out of his McFreakin’ Mind, such as in this particular case with Santiago, perhaps we should save the Amber Alert for those who have a higher chance of possibly being sex trafficked and/or murdered. I’m all for giving the domestics their own special Alert. In fact, you can make it an app where you can upload your own photo and write a small bio about yourself, whether your single or married, & get updates about the people you follow who are having domestic issues. And for each domestic dispute, you’ll receive a direct message & you can have the option of liking or disliking their dispute with a simple click of the LIKE or DISLIKE button. Simple right? You can even save your favorite Domestic Disputes to refer back to later or link up with a fellow divorcee. The options are endless.

Okay, this blog was supposed to go in an entirely different direction, but as the facts sloooowly surfaced about this kidnapping, I was already in too deep and instead of letting this issue go altogether, I had to spend an hour rearranging everything.I get completion anxiety. So, if this blog sounds a little ridiculous and repetitive, that’s because it is. But like your creepy uncle once said, “just go with it.”

Cam Show Faux Pas…

Cam show disasters and how to avoid them…

Ladies, if you have an HD webcam, be well aware that HD will pick up every pimple, pore, crevice & crater on your face & ass. Chicks may dig scars on dudes, but the dudes do not want your C-Section scar or battle wounds from your days as an emo teenager, written all over your body like a Dr. Seuss book. The only story you should be revealing on your cam show is as follows: The Naughty School Girl, Naughty Nurse, Naughty College Girl, Sexy Sorority Girl, The Girl Next Door, even Cat Woman would suffice. Trust me, I’ve done them all. Moving on…

…Lighting! It can be your best friend or turn you into the walking dead. Soft lighting is ok, buuut you don’t want that soft lighting to cast spooky shadows on your face & other areas where spooky shadows should not be. Have a well lit room from front too back. You don’t want the only light to be the one coming off your computer screen.

Next on the list of poorly done cam shows, THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND! I get it, the music makes you less bored while you wait patiently for someone to pay to see you take your clothes off. You bounce around your room, lip-synch the words while your patrons are trying to get your attention or ask questions. However, not everyone is into the same music that you’re into. You’ll have a hard time setting the mood with your viewers if all you can hear is the distorted sound of “ima’ beat the pussy up,” in the background. If you must have music while you webcam, be very particular about what you listen to. Your viewers are paying for a fantasy. They want to lose themselves in that fantasy even if it’s only for a few minutes, but if it sounds like there’s a rave going on in your bedroom, the fantasy is lost.

DON’T LOOK SO BORED! LOSE THE ATTITUDE! You’re not going to get on your webcam and immediately begin making money without putting forth some effort. You have to be personable, approachable, flirtatious, remember to smile and keep your energy up. Don’t lose your cool or snap at someone just because you’ve had a shit day or you feel that you hold some sort of celebrity status because you’ve won awards for sucking dick. If you’re bored your viewers will be able to tell. It will read loud and clear just like your resting bitch face. So, fucking smile, bat your eyes and make some money.

Typing only while web camming is fucking pointless. People log onto webcam sites to hear your voice. They want to hear your moan. They want to know what you sound like when you cum and they want to listen to you dirty talk. What sense does it make to pay to watch someone type their orgasm? They could text their girlfriends for free if that’s the case. The only exception to the rule are the foreign chicks who can’t speak any english, who are working out of some sweat shop studio in east jesus nowhere while some guy named Zoltar translates to the girls what the dudes are saying. If you can speak english, then SPEAK! Crikey! If you’re not going to allow sound during your cam show then what’s the point?  You don’t have to recite The Bill of Rights, just open your mouth and start a conversation. You don’t have to sound like a Bowery prostitute right away. Save the good stuff for the paid chat room. But if you happen to be bashful when it comes to talking dirty, perhaps you should consider a career in telemarketing.

Make up is your friend. I’ve been doing a little spying and some of you look BEAT! We’re talking straight out the trailer and onto the Jerry Springer show. Pornstar or not, when you are doing a LIVE cam show you have now become your alter ego, whomever that may be. If you call yourself Princess Tits or Cum Dumpster, then that’s who you are until you log off. So, be sure to slap on the foundation, the blush, mascara (quite a few times to get big, full lashes), do a little something with your hair & pick an eye shadow that makes your eyes pop. You are playing a fantasy and in some cases, you’ll be playing many different fantasies depending on the customer. Don’t log on with dark circles, black eyes or zits showing.  The viewers want the girl next door, the cheerleader or the hot teacher they always fantasized about, but never had.

Please refrain from using these words while camming: “I’m tired.” “I’m bored.” You’re not bringing sexy back by making it clear that you don’t want to be there. Granted, camming can sometimes get a little tedious. Invite a friend over who’s not afraid to get down on a LIVE show. Sometimes having a partner makes things fun and can bring you more business.

Here are a few tid bits for after your show starts: Don’t leave the room to get anything. You should already be prepared and have everything you need before you log on. Don’t attempt to clean your room unless your customers paid to see you do it naked. Don’t excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Wait till your back in Free Chat. Do not turn on the TV unless it’s porn. Porn is always good for background noise. If you’re doing a foot fetish show, CLEAN YOUR FEET. Ick. If your feet look like you’ve been walking around a truck stop barefoot while turning tricks is a complete turn off. It didn’t work for Britney Spears, it will NOT work for you.

Last but not least, and this is specifically for the girls who break the rules while in FREE CHAT. You may want to have someone read the Terms & Policy to you. We don’t expect you to be a scholar, so, take all the time you need reading the rules. Sound out the words & if you come across a big word you don’t understand, GOOGLE IT. But just to summarize, DO NOT show your tits, ass or pussy while in FREE CHAT! The key word here is FREE. You are giving people a tour of Trafalgar Square for FREE. You are NOT making any money in FREE CHAT. A milkshake will bring any boy to the yard. Especially a free milkshake. Don’t be that asshole. If you’re good at something, never do it for free.

Happy Camming!

-Scarlett Fay-