“She Gave The Worst Head…” Pt.2 And Some Blow J History

This could be the second worst thing a chick has ever heard aside from being labeled as the DUFF in her group of friends, but then again, Duffs have to learn quick to give great head in order to get any type of attention at all. So, what are you doing wrong?

Mistake #1: You don’t like giving head because a long time ago, your mother, or your grandmother, told you that oral sex was for trashy girls. Whores. Sluts. Trollops. Strumpets. Hookers and biker chicks. Perhaps you even came from a very religious background and was told your mouth was only to recite the words of God and the bible. They even have “Purity Balls” where fathers take their daughters & present them with a ring, much like a wedding ring & make their young daughters promise to stay pure. Without the young girls realizing it, their daughters bodies & souls belonged to their fathers, long before they belonged to their husband.

***Marriage is an ancient institution & was seen as a strategic alliance between families***

Did anyone else see Love or sex in that sentence?

(okay, time to get back on blow job track)…

Mistake #2: When your husband/boyfriend finally convinces you to go down south, you don’t know what in the fuck you’re doing. You’re not completely to blame. No one ever taught you. So, you begin to feel insecure about it and avoid the cock sucking issue at all costs. Looking at his “Member” for the first time probably gave you nightmares. It’s true, they are a wee bit strange to look at for the first time, but I’m sure vaginas don’t resemble pink Macaroons either.

Mistake #3: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, listen to our girlfriends advice about blow jobs. Every man is different

Mistake #4: Tucking your teeth behind your gums is amateur hour. Only high school chicks do that after school behind the bleachers. The guy can still feel your teeth, which makes it hard to cum, which also means you could be down there for a looooong time and injuring your lips in the process. Open your mouth wider and forget you even have teeth.

***The blow job was a revolutionary invention and birth control method, which was great for the dudes, but what about the ladies?? Ah, that’s right, married women were above blow jobs, BUT, the whores were not.***

Mistake #5: You’re married. How are you above giving the man you’re married to a blow job?

***Blow jobs were not actually popularized until 1929***

Mistake #6: If you don’t find a way to ease yourself into giving head, trust me, your boyfriend or husband will find a woman who will.

Blow Jobs=Oral sex. It’s just sex. Have fun with it. If blow jobs are something you enjoy immensely and you happen to be with a girl who is not even willing to walk into a sex shop or give it the ‘ol blow, well, then perhaps she’s not for you. And that’s okay because you’re probably not her type either.

Blow Jobs: A Tale of two Cities: How 2 Give The Best Blow J’s (CAUTION: VERY DESCRIPTIVE) NC-17 pt. 1

My Grandmother always told me the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. She may have been a little behind the times. Unfortunately for me, I can’t cook. I mean, I can make a mean pop tart, but that’s about it. However, while dating my very first boyfriend in high school, I discovered new tips, tricks and talents about how to get to a mans heart without having to sweat over an oven or bust through his ribcage. I don’t believe these special talents were around when my grandmother was going to school. This special talent is referred to as a Blow Job, which I find a wee bit misleading.

First of all, you’re not “blowing” anything. Can you imagine having a chick blowing on your junk like it was a harmonica? Secondly, if you find it to be a “Job,” or a chore, then don’t be surprised when he pays a stripper $5 to give him the best oral sex he’s ever had. And trust me, she will. Then he’ll come home to you after getting his brains blown two ways from sunday, while trying desperately to come up with a believable story as to why he’s broke and just getting home at 4:00am, which is extremely hard to do when you’re exhausted from your cum coma. “Doing what? Reading The Giving Tree?”

Women who don’t give head are usually women who don’t enjoy receiving head either. YAWN. I, however, LOVE give head. I like the way it feels getting hard in my mouth and I love the dominating position I’m in because lets face it, ladies, give your man head means he’s in control. He has you on your knees or in some other awkward position, giving you directions, moaning your name (if you’re REALLY good at it), and trust me, there’s nothing better than having a man moan your name or levitate off the bed, which has happened during my, what I like to refer to as, my religious experiences. Watching their toes curl and their legs flex, they can barely take it. That’s when I know I’m in control. I control his pleasure

Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE sex, but giving head makes me incredibly wet. Soaked. It’s as if someone took a super soaker to my vagina. And by nature, I’m a pleaser. I don’t stop giving head until that man has cum. I never leave anything half assed. If you’re going to start it, “Finish Him.” And when he has finally let go and is in that state of euphoria, you will never witness a man so tender, so loving. He will praise your every stroke, every move you made with your mouth and go on and on about how he’s never had a blow job like that before. Afterwards, you should ask him to write a Yelp review for you. 😉

Not all blow jobs are the same. It takes practice and years of critique to be the Bruce Lee of oral sex. Blow Jobs are for teenagers, drunk at a shitty high school party doing keg stands. When giving head, listen to your dude and the sounds he makes. If the guy is a dead fish then abort mission because this dude would rather enjoy getting head from the quarterback on his team.

And don’t be afraid to ask for directions. Ask him what he likes or doesn’t like. Listen to his moans and pay attention to how his body reacts when you try something different. I think It’s incredibly hot watching a mans entire body tense up and his toes curl. I don’t mean to brag, well…yes I do, but I have never had one boyfriend complain about my head game. I’ve given two blow jobs to two different people in less than an hour. I am the Mr. Miyagi of blow jobs.

I never rush through it. I kiss down their chest. I unzip their paint slowly. Pull down their boxer briefs, which I believe every man should wear (unless you want to look like Benjamin Button at 35 years old). I slowly pull them down, but I don’t put him in my mouth right away. I breathe my warm,hot breath on the tip of his head and then I proceed to lick him from his shaft to the tip of his head. I suck slowly on the tip of his head because the most sensitive part of a mans penis. Then, before he realizes what’s happening, I push his head into my mouth. Just his head.

Now ladies (and gents), pay close attention, your hand is your best friend. Many of you are so concerned and focused on pleasing him with your mouth that you forget you have an entire body to use. Especially your hands. Use your hands to stroke his shaft and cup his balls. Not all men are into having their balls played with, so, make sure this is a discussion you have before you begin. Communication is everything. Your hands give him the feeling that you’re going deeper than you really are.

An element of surprise when it comes to sex is HOT. I dated this guy two years ago and I would give him what I would call “Ambush Blow Jobs.” He would just be getting home from work, my unsuspecting victim, and I would unbuckles his pants, get on my knees and blow all the stress of the day out of his mind. Don’t forget the occassional eye contact. Don’t stare at him the whole time, just once in a while. And if your mouth needs a small break, that doesn’t mean order food from EAt24. Don’t stop. Pull your mouth away, look him in the eyes and don’t be afraid to talk dirty, really dirty.

Continue to stroke him while you talk dirty and as I stated before, this is not a JOB regardless of what the title says. You do not get a half hour break for lunch. Give your mouth a rest, lick the very tip of his cock, stroke him and talk dirty like you just got back from the Bunny Ranch.

I’ve never been a fan of lube. When it comes to being natural, I use spit. It doesn’t stain the sheets and it doesn’t taste like grape soda that’s been sitting out in the sun for three days. Ick. Why would you want to ingest lube in the first place. Lots of Saliva is the magic key to the land of OZ. Drinking lots of water will help to keep you hydrated so that you don’t get dry mouth. Not to mention drinking plenty of water is great for your skin. But I digress…

“What do I do about the big finish???” Again, this is a conversation that needs to be had before you gobble his sack like a thanksgiving turkey. If you don’t swallow, no biggie, but be sure to have a bunch of baby wipes handy and close by. Men are usually just grateful to receive a blow job and the oral sex gentleman will gladly give you a warning when he’s about to cum, leaving it up to you. If you happen to be feeling froggy then jump. If you’re not there yet mentally, then away his bat signal, his moans will become louder and your womanly instincts will let you know when to pull away. However, don’t pull away and run off to clean up. Continue to play with his cock. Stroke his shaft from the bottom to the top and get every last drop out of him. He may be sensitive, so, go slow.

Cleaning him up will be the most lady like thing you’ve done since wrapping your pretty little mouth around him.

Now, here’s a couple Fay Tips: 1. Don’t be shut off if he happens to fall right to sleep after experiencing his “Religious Experience.” He’s in a cum coma and there will be no waking him. An ex of mine was having insomnia once and had to be up early. So, I put him to bed and very coquettishly whispered, “Baby, I think you need a blow job.” Ten minutes later, he came and fell right to sleep.
Fay Tip: 2 Make sure he eats a lot of pineapple. This will make his cum taste incredibly sweet and if you if swallowing wasn’t your thing then, it will be now, but in order for this to work, he must eat pineapple everyday.

*Hope you enjoyed Part 1 of how to give the best oral sex.*
*Part 2 will be how to avoid giving the worst head…ever.*