**Recently my FaceBook timeline has been flooded with a lot of girl on girl hate crime and while I expect this type of behavior from a middle schooler, I do not condone this type of behavior among grown women. When you’re an adult woman flipping out that someone happens to like your bf/husband, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror, boo boo because you look ridiculous and bat shit crazy. Wipe your eyes, clean off your day old mascara, brush your hair and take a nice hot shower and pray that the skank stank comes out. Please, sit the fuck down, turn off your cell phones & keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times. We’re off to NeverNeverLand…**
Girls have a bad habit of causing more drama than is necessary. When it comes to instigating drama, we take the cake. We take the whole bakery. After millions of years of evolution, we have yet to be rid of this sickness and the women who spread this plague, infecting others with their vomitous hair balls of jealousy, insecurity and lies. We thrive on destroying each other over the most meaningless shit and we never say what we actually mean, we constantly change the story, while speaking in riddles, tweeting and reposting the latest meme or catchphrase and writing a chicken shit subliminal message on our FaceBook status in hopes that it’s seen and continues to cause more drama and harassment. I’m convinced that some of you use drama as a way to suck the life force out of the other person in order to stay young and pretty. Drama vampires. You just can’t get enough.
It began in middle school. All the amazing girlfriends I had in Elementary school suddenly went AWOL & pretended not to know me. The invisible lines had been drawn between the popular kids and the not so popular kids. This segregation was never more prevalent than during lunch period. It was as if our social circles had been predestined by some divine will or fate, but instead of baby Jesus, we witnessed the birth of the Mean Girl. And for whatever reason, I seemed to have more than my fair share of Mean Girls and they made it their personal mission, as if they had orders straight from Tom Cruise himself, to make my life a living, breathing nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. Mean Girls don’t attack physically. They rip you apart like a day old carcass with their words alone. From top to bottom they would tell you what was wrong with you, your outfit, your chosen hairstyle or lack thereof, down to the socks and shoes you were wearing. Vultures picking off the last little morsels of flesh from your bones. Leaving you looking like Keira Knightley after a long night of donuts and bulimia.
Not only did you have to worry about the Mean Girls, but you had to worry about the bullying and perpetual lying and shit talking that was happening within your own core group of girlfriends. What the fuck happened? In elementary school we all got along unless some dickless wonder didn’t get off the swing when her time was up. Friendships among females didn’t count for shit in middle school. Suddenly we became sneaky, shady and jealous if a friend of ours received more attention from the opposite sex than we did. We would come up with ways to single her out and make her feel that she was at fault for the collapse of our friendship. Constantly berating her, making her choose between her friends or her boyfriend. Meanwhile, we’re playing both sides of the fence. Filling her boyfriends head with confusing, don’t-make-no-goddamn-sense lies about his little Nightingale. Turning them against each other and when they’ve both finally had enough and break up, instead of consoling our girlfriend, we’re surrounding her now ex boyfriend in the school courtyard, filling his head with more nonsense about how it’s not his fault, he deserves better. Real sick shit. All is fair in love and war. Unless you’re going to war with a woman. You will not win. Girls don’t even win their own battles, which is why, my dear readers, a female argument will last longer than the Reconquest of Spain.
You may not even realize that you’re involved in the argument because in girl world all the fighting has to be sneaky. Look for the signs:
(These are the middle school signs, but unfortunately, regardless of how old we get, it still applies today because girls are catty cunts)
-Not invited to the slumber party
-They leave the table before you’re done with lunch
-No one is returning your phone calls or txts
-They’re talking to each other like you don’t exist
-They reminisce about what they did all weekend & you were not invite
Late into high school I finally realized what my female friendships meant to me and how much I needed them in my life. I always got along much better with guys, but there’s a certain bond between girls. You need to have them in your darkest moments. But beware for the one girl in the group who just happens to be a snake in the grass. There’s one in every social circle.
I’ve always been lightyears ahead of many of my peers, but the amount of growing up I’ve done in the last five years has truly opened my eyes. I don’t engage in petty bullshit drama with other girls. I don’t post one Facebook status after the other trying to bait my enemy into a heated argument…over the fucking internet no less! Grown women who are confident and comfortable with themselves don’t pay you no mind. We ain’t got time for that! Alpha females don’t give Peasants, Trolls and Trollops a second thought. If you’re sweatin’ the girl that’s throwing shade at you from across the bar because she’s drunk with jealousy over your relationship and has her death beam set on your boyfriend, you need to woman up and remember that you got him. He’s yours. You’ve already won. What do you care if some random pirate hooker wants what you have? Jealousy is flattery wrapped in barbed wire. And it’s your decision whether or not you want to scale it. But why lower yourself to fight with bottom feeder bitches? What could a bottom feeder bitch possibly say or do to make you, an Alpha female, feel any less of yourself? They got nothin’! Don’t allow their destructive, ruinous whispers reach your ears. They are vacuous, do nothing bitches and they probably have trailer trash names like Tiffany Lynn. The work is already done for you. So, woman up, treasure the amazing friends that you do have, set fire to any snake or She-Beast, free yourself of all that girl on girl crime and breathe easy.
You got this.